This Sux...

Sorry, I need a comp like asap because my blackberry just not doing it like it use to, lol. Well so much has happened since I last wrote. I had the back surgery and now I'm a different person...mentally and physically. I don't know if I'm happy with the new me because it honestly seems like I'm in a constant battle of wills. Even as I write this its hard for me to think of the words to say because part of me wants to say one thing and the other part wants to say something completely different. I can say that right now my heart is a little bruised because me and the newest entry to my "He Ain't Shit" List fell out yesterday.....*sigh*

As far as the physical changes from surgery I'm a little taller, clothes fit better, and with the exception of my rib that is permanently poking out nobody can tell I had scoliosis. I can't move like I use to but I compensate by using my legs more and etc. Mentally....I've changed period. I know my fam and friends and even those who use to read all my shit can tell there's something off about me, they just don't say anything. I can't even explain it myself, I'm praying that its something like post traumatic stress because at least then I tell myself I'll be normal in due time.

After my surgery I was in the hospital for a week and I only had help from one person and that was my baby daddy. He was there for about a week and of course me and him got into a stupid argument and I let my pride take over and I told him to leave me alone. So that was a dumb mistake because I had nobody else to care for me with the exception of Josh. So with that being said I spent a lot of time alone, in pain, and went through so many emotional roller coasters: happy to sad to anger and paranoia and etc. Then I woke up one morning and realized that I wasn't thinking clearly like I use to and that I couldn't remember everything like I once did. I can remember stuff but I use to be able to remember the emotions which helped me remember the entire event.

I'm more optimistic and I always look for the silver lining when something bad happens. I go out more and I'm more social compared to how I was prior to surgery, so that's good I guess. I still have problems when it comes to guys however. Since me and Josh became cool I been able to get his perspective on drama that I go through with guys. Lol, I kinda wish I told him about the new guy before the fallout because maybe me and him would still be whateva we was. I absolutely adored the new dude because he was sexy, had the cool/spontaneous personality, and had style to him. Plus he was like a complete sweetheart and asshole all-in-one, lol.

Only good thing about my supposed post traumatic stress is I won't feel the heartache too much longer...