Why Did I Get Married?

I have been through a lot the past 5 months that nobody would honestly believe if I didn't have the evidence to show as proof. First thing is I met my perfect guy, I say this because besides being able to break my love for the last one, he also had everything I wanted. Sweet personality towards me but an asshole to the world, work ethics of a Jamaican, the looks of a model, the sex drive along with being well-endowed to make me not want another, and most importantly he wanted me and marriage. If you didn't know me for shit you can always say that I am one of those hopeless romantics at heart. I always get hurt at the end cause I am the one that loves so hard and so deep because the relationship means something to me if I actually get involved. So when this perfect stranger comes along and does everything right and has everything I wanted I knew with confidence that this was my Gift from God. All the pain and suffering I endured in tbe past was so it could mold me into the perfect woman for him which allowed him to enter my life. So I did what any sane women would do, marry his ass and get him off the market before another bitch would, lol. On that special day he described it perfectly,"the day two half hearts became whole." I loved being his wife, I felt as though my life was finally complete. I didn't do it because God annoints and bless those who are married, I did it because he would be all I would ever need.....

So now after only 3 months of being married we are facing divorce. He stop being so sweet towards me and became an asshole, he lost those work ethics of a Jamaican and became a lazy bastard, he stop becoming attractive to me because his face changed from that of an angel to the look of an enraged wilderbeast, I avoided sex with him as much as possible and his blessed package became my cursed pain down there after we finished, and last but not least I becams a burden on him that prevented him from having other girls. I couldn't believe I was so stupid to believe that perfect existed. I was mad that I was tricked so horribly by him and didn't understand why he would go as far as marrying me. Marriage isn't a simple little word that you can use lightly. I saw no blessings from this marriage and everything I had attained before this union I was losing right before my very eyes. I went back to thinking about all the "what ifs" what if I never spoke to him at my party where we met? What if I took my time after meeting? What if I never gotten married in the first place?

Right now we are seperated and neither of us is sleeping in the bed we once shared. I haven't seen him in close to 2 weeks and now we only speak in regards to the personal property the other one took. Our friends bash the other, my monster-in-law constantly test my nerves, and we both think or know the other has moved on to a new nigga/bitch. However I still love him, after all the tears, curse words, acts of betrayal, and threats of law enforcement I still love him. I just want to raise the white flag and surrender if it means I can have him back. Maybe he became an asshole after I started being a bitch, maybe he lost his work ethics after I bashed him about not working, maybe I stop being attractive to him after I stop showing all my love faces and only showed a look of boredom, maybe he thought sex would make me the happy person I use to be and he felt that same pain down there because I went from being a rain forest to a desert, and maybe all those girls who he use to laugh at for throwing themselves at him are the ones he wants to talk to because his very own wife won't show him love yet alone act like she likes him period.

I hate that it took everything bad to happen for me to realize how good it use to be. I want my husband back but from past experiences I know once I put a guy through it he's through with it forever. . . .I still wear my ring because in all honesty I'm still married. Me writing down my true feelings and thoughts about my husband is the only time during my seperation that I felt a calm solace about everything. I love him and I will hope for the best and prepare for the worst in the meantime. My pride allows me to withstand the obvious ridicule I'm expected to get for admitting to marrying someone after such short time. I just wish I didnt feel ashamed to admit that maybe his actions were the result of my actions first. Maybe that would have made a difference when it did matter the most.

Just a little bit

I'm gonna get a new phone that way it would be easier for me to communicate. This touch screen shit is for the birds on some real shit. I've been doing a lot lately which I won't be sharing on here until further notice. I still have the potential of having a stalker and the lsat thing I need is him getting mad at me. I just wanted to share that little bit of info to make it known I'm alive.

Too Good To Be Blue

Its about to be a week since me and him last exchanged words and I been so sad about it......not really, lol. I was more upset about the fact that we weren't speaking by his birthday because I had so much stuff planned that I wanted to do to celebrate his day. I guess he really is through with me but I got too much stuff happening that prevents me from pulling my usual "I hate the world" routine. I took care of so much business in a matter of days and I started a new job which I think I might actually love, *knock on wood*. I know once I learn everything this job will be a breeze *knock on wood* and it will actually give me some experience for the career I do plan on getting within the next 2-3 years. Also, I found a great day care to put my baby in that isn't expensive as fuck. Everything is starting to finally work out in my favor and I'm so glad that for once I'm not devastated about a heartache to the point that my life comes to a complete stop. There's no need in crying a river for a nigga especially if he ain't tryin to get wet.

Breaking Point

"Never Make Someone a Priority When They Only Make You An Option"


Its a shame that I can't go into details and fully explain my current situation because of the person who breach my trust by googling this blog. I'm only writing because its 4am and I can't sleep for shit but this is the only way I can clear my head. Today he let me down and I handled it in a way that caused us to have a rift in our relationship. I could have ignored the situation or chose something different to say to prevent it from escalating but I couldn't. He may have every right to defend himself the way he did but after all that I dealt with when it comes to him, I stop caring. Walking on eggshells or ignoring the huge elephant in the room isn't who I am. I either fuss about the mess on the floor I'm tip toeing around or I bitch about the huge pile of shit the damn elephant left behind.

He is the person that I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with. I love everything about him, from his looks and style even to his cold but empathizing heart. To me he is the race that no one believes I can win but the prize is what keeps me from quitting. Trying to be with him has changed me because before I use to let any one I thought was appealing try me, since him I have yet to have someone meet the requirements to even race on my track. I know I can have a successful relationship with a good guy if I were to ever meet one but that's not enough for me. I'll probably be happy but I won't feel victorious and I'll forever feel like I gave up.

When I said the few choice words to him earlier he returned the favor by criticizing me saying I was spoiled, refuse to help myself, self-centered, and disrespectful. I am spoiled and I can be self-centered at times, those are traits that I am fully aware of and is not hurt at all by someone calling me that. Being "disrespectful" and "helpless" did not sit well with me at all since he deliberately said that to try to prove his point that he was not lying to me. I have enough info about his situation to make me say differently and like I said earlier, I stop caring. I never belittle him by emasculating his character and I'm always able to handle my shit and sometimes I have to be the one to help him out of a jam. If I appear to be a damsel in distress to him its only because I choose to. Sometimes that's the only way I can show myself that he does care because if not, he wouldn't be there.

Sometimes I do feel like if I never can get him then I probably won't settle down. Of course I'll have boyfriends and/or love affairs but me willing to give my all to one person and only one person won't happen. How I perceive love has forever been altered by previous guys that's why I don't believe in it. He's just the only one that gave me that glimmer of hope that maybe its not impossible to have someone you truly want. When people that known me for years talk about how they can't comprehend why I changed so much for him I pay them no mind because I haven't changed. I'm still the same girl that won't go back to an ex and I'm still the same chick that will cut a nigga loose once I see he on some bs no matter how much he may bring to the table. Simple solution to my problem is make him an option and stop letting him think that the little bit I choose to let him do for me is substantial. So while I take this water break I'll decide whether or not his race is even worth continuing. The blood, sweat and tears with little to none recognition and appreciation is making me forget why I even started in the first place.

Houston We Have A Problem

My blog is for me, not for others. I say what I say on here to release some of my daily stress because if not I'll just blow up on innocent bystanders. With that being said, if you don't like it kick rocks and don't read this anymore.

Play My Radio

I absolutely love Wiz Khalifa and his song "Radio" is so cute to me but of course as the bitch I can be I murdered it by writing my version of it as a response, lol.



Why won't this nigga leave me the fuck alone
He always wants to stay, but I just tell him go
Then wanna get mad at me when I don't give him some
Damn will he shutup so I can play my radiooo

I wanna call my boyfriend but I'm too mad
He never listen to me when I say I'm sad
Now this nigga callin me, I ignored his ass
I hope he don't think he getting any of his shit back
Yeah we use to be tight like some skinny pants
But now I'm thinkin that he nothin but a douche bag
Now he think he slick by textin me "I ain't coming back"
Nigga please we both know you lying cause you love this ass, yeah

I miss the old days when we use to be glad
When I try to tell him he say I'm wrong
So I stop caring and wish he was gone
Plus I heard he told his boys he moved on
But I give in cause his head right
So now I'm going in circles with this square wishing he would get right
I hate the outfits he buys me so I wear it once, never twice
Nigga the thrill been gone, I need a drink or we gonna fight, damn

Why won't this nigga leave me the fuck alone
He always wants to stay but I just tell him go
Then wanna get mad at me when I don't give him some
Damn will he shutup so I can play my radiooo

Always Be My Baby

I love him, what more can I say? Even though he makes things so complicated I'm sure he could say the same thing about me. Me and him are complete opposites but we understand the other one just enough to not throw the dueces but we do flip each other off plenty of times, lol. As unconventional as he may be, his method so far hasn't failed cause he's the only guy that I like that's been around me for over a year. We'll see what happens 2 years from now

Fuck U doing? Bullshittin

As each day goes by I get these friendly little reminders of why I don't talk to many people. I really can't stand liars and I especially can't stand fakeness, I rather have a person be up front rather than be a backstabber. Now like I mentioned in my earlier entry I mentioned that I dabbled in the strange, yet exciting world of green (I'm not gonna actually say the word), and I enjoyed almost all the times I had that feeling. I finally had felt relief and started to be able to openly express myself without a care in the world. My inner slacker finally saw daylight and took over for a good lil minute but due to some events I had to abruptly stop. Now reality is starting to come back and I see the damage that it caused but I also see the bullshit these people trying to bring me.

Me and my sister are falling out once again and I don't even know how or why this happened? Even with us being almost a 1,000 miles away we'll always just fall out for random shit. I asked her about a week ago if I could move in with her until I could get my own place so at the maximum 2 months. At first she said it was cool and scolded me for not listening to her sooner about moving closer. The next day I call her and she says,"well April when ma kicked me out the house and I tried to come back home she wouldn't let me so you can't stay here." I was mad but unsurprised by her actions. What shocked me was when my bro told me all the things she said about me behind my back and how I'm not an independent person because my mom still helps me out. When I spoke to people about this they said it sounded like she's jealous and I thought the same thing. So I called her after that to ask if it was ok if I could at least stay there for a few days for Thanksgiving and she agreed but our conversation quickly went on to the things my brother said. In all honesty, she's right and I am too dependent on my mom for help and I am the one that has a child so I need to be able to handle things on my own. For now, we're still not buddies or showing the fun part of being sisters but I do respect what she says.

My nigga be on some straight up bullshit wit me! I love the man but damn, talkin bout milking the cow til dust comes out he'll be an expert lol. I really need to keep my distance from him cause too much of him can and will be hazardous to my health, not cause he's dangerous, but because I care too much for him. If I could I would give him the world, all the stars, and maybe the moon just as a vacation spot lol. See how crazy (in a good way) he makes me??? Nah but I put him on a pedastel like that because unlike everybody else I knew before surgery this nigga kept his fuckin word and helped me. Then the bad thing about it is me and him weren't even on speaking terms when he did come back in my life. I'll always have love and respect for him because I don't know how things would have turned out for me had he not been there. Now just because I said that don't mean he not on some other shit however. I planned to drive home back in October and asked him if he could come with me so he could help drive, keep my daughter entertained on the road, and also so he could see his homie. At the last minute he cancelled and I wasn't able to find anyone that was available and because its a 12-14 hr trip I didn't bother putting my baby through that torture. Tell me why this nigga flying up there for Thanksgiving? Also when he told me he said he not gonna cancel his plans like I did. What the fuck that suppose to mean??? Now if I had green I could laugh that shit off but since I don't, I guess I'll be fuckin wit him the long way.

My aunt.....the reason why I'm up writing at 3 n da mornin pushed my buttons. I woke up bout an hr ago to use the bathroom and I checked my phone to see she emailed me. The email basically was her responding to my unanswered phone call and voice message that I made almost a week ago. This was also her answering the question I was not able to ask her but before I jump the gun let me explain our relationship. Me n her were cool and she has helped me out from time-to-time and most recently she took my daughter on vacation with her last yr when I was too busy moving to my new place. Me and her fell out a few months later because of my Facebook Status: "Fuck niggas, bitches too, all I got is this money and this will do." She made a comment under that statement saying that she can't believe I said that and she will pray for me. I commented back saying that its a song and Jay-Z said it, not me lol. So I updated my status again saying if anyone has a problem with what I say to please delete me. She took that as a personal threat and blocked me, not delete, but BLOCKED. Ever since then I haven't spoken to her, she sent me an email a few months later wishing me a happy bday but other than that we have not spoken. So when me and my sis fell out I asked my bro if I could stay with him just for Thanksgiving but he only has a one bedroom, he suggested I asked my aunt. So I called her and left her a message asking for her to call me back but she never did. My brother, without my awareness, ask my aunt if its ok if I stay at her place for Thanksgiving. So she emails me and tells me how busy she's been and with such proper ladylike manners says, " Alonzo said you wanted to stay with Claude and I, but unfortunately it will not work. I hope you will find an alternative." Really? She couldn't call me to say that? She couldn't just be so busy she forgot to call me back period but she could have the time to write an email? After reading that I emailed her back and told her I'm not coming and I text my brother tellin him the thought of me moving up there is completely out the window and to not ask anyone in our family to help me.

Who needs green for enlightened inspiration when I got people like my sister to spark my spirit, my nigga to make my spirit burn, and my aunt to fuel that fire? I've been bullshitting too damn long. Now that I hear and see how the closest people treat me its about time for me to do the same towards them. So I will be on my grind real hard, I will be Ms. Independent, I will be shining like a star, and I WILL accomplish this in a timely manner.

Is It Me Or Is Celeb Websites Getting Out Of Hand

I remember growing up and going to the library and participating in book clubs. Even though this was a way for my mom to study for her exams and I always end up crying because she left (yeah I was a crybaby, so what? Lol) I always had so much fun having different stories read to me. I was able to appreciate the creative thought that an imagination can bring and it helped make reading novels a pleasure. Now when I do go to the library I see more and more kids in there to use the computer just to read the latest gossip about celebrities. When did living vicaruously through celebrities become the norm? Now if the websites were reporting the celebrity did some type of charitable act then I'm all for it but talking about the latest jumpoff to get pregnant is not breaking news! What happened to cause this fascination of this disillusioned lifestyle?

Nigga Please! (You Not Getting The Ass)

I had a friend that use to always be there for me if I seriously needed help but lately he been acting like a hater. I felt compelled to write something about him and his shady actions towards me but in the process I realized that he not the only guy I know that been "sideline hating." Which caused me to think about some of the other guys I encountered since I started to play the tricky Game of Love. I remember a time when I was optimistic and carefree about this game and of course I lost almost every time. So now I decided to sit back and figure out how others are successful and figure out what I'm doing wrong. So during my time of reflection I ran into a few people that showed me how easy it is to win the game. First thing I have to do is stay away from these hoes: The Hater, The Scuba Diver, The Superstar, and The Recruiter.

The Hater- This the nigga that try to be with you until you make a point that it ain't gonna happen. Then when he does move on to another chick he starts the hating. Like I mentioned earlier I have a friend that started to act a lil salty towards me recently. Now I will say I never strung him along and I never gave him the impression that me and him would have ever been talking because he wasn't my type. Even after he ask about me and him possibly dating I told him that I see him only as a friend and he said he respected what I said and that was that, we were still friends. A few months ago on Facebook I noticed that there were times that he would leave a comment to a status and I couldn't tell whether or not he was kidding or seriously trying to criticize me. Finally after a few mean comments I looked on his page and saw that he was in a relationship. That's when I came to the conclusion that he changed cause he think cause he got a girl that he can say and do whateva he want. Even as I write this I still hold back what I could and should say about him but I won't do him like he did me out of memory of our former friendship. However this is the last time I'll bite my tongue when it comes to him. Next time he say something out of line Old April will come back with a vengeance.

The Scuba Diver- Aight let me add a little disclaimer for this one because I don't want any females to get mad at me cause their boo read this and misinterpret what I was saying, lol. **MEN, BOYS, AND ALL THIS APPLIES TOWARDS PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT ALL OR MOST FEMALES THINK OR FEEL THE WAY THAT I DO ABOUT HEAD, ITS JUST ME** Ok now that I said that time for my announcement: I DO NOT LIKE HEAD!!!! I know this is the day and age where head is more socially acceptable and I'm not knocking anybody that has a fetish for giving head. If I have a bf that wants to do that to me I'll always try to stop him though but if he insists then I'll let him do what he wants......I just try to enjoy it but I never really do. Now if the person trying to go down on me is not a bf and we're not even on real talking terms then I really fight to make him not do that to me. If he still insists on doing that then he is automatically a Scuba Diver. This is the guy that will go down even in uncharted waters in hopes of getting some pussy. That's so gross seeing a guy try to go down because in my mind I think,"OMG how many other girls has he done that to."

The Superstar- This is the guy that has a million and one friends and most or all of them happen to be females. He's popular because he has some type of talent that can attract the masses. Problem is they can't keep their talent to themselves and have to share it with the world, literally. In my opinion condoms are created for these people because like any well known celebrity, bitches are on their dick 24/7. They have a girlfriend but it still doesn't stop them from spending time with their fans so they won't lose their popularity. A couple people come in mind when I think about "Superstar" but there's no need in going into further details, they get enough recognition anyway.

The Recruiter-If you ever tried to look up info about joining the Army then you might get hit up by the Navy, Marines, Air Force, National Guard, or Coast Guard also. The Recruiter is the guy that will try to get you to be on his team but if you don't join then he'll try to get you to join another team. Just because you might not be interested in him doesn't mean that you won't like his friend. A few years ago this guy tried to talk to me and I had no interest in him whatsoever, he just wasn't my type, but I still replied to his texts. Besides him not being my type he gave me the feeling that he was a hoe trying to get some from me. So one day I decided to do some investigating because he was trying too hard and I was getting annoyed by the constant texts from somebody of no significance. I look on his Myspace and it said "In a Relationship" so when he text me again I said, "I don't think your girlfriend would like that." He never text me again after that lol. So 2 years later I see a dude that happens to be really cute and I tried to get some info on him and I found out that he was cool with the hoe. I should have known better but like I said earlier, I was optimistic. So the hoe introduce me to the cute guy and me and him exchange numbers. After a few texts I realize that the cute guy was a whore and I told him not to contact me again. Now a few months after that the hoe tried to introduce me to someone else. This time the dude he introduced me to was not cute and not my type so I just said, "hi." and walked away. The ugly dude kept going out of his way to talk to me, tell me about himself and etc. He later asked for my number and me being polite I gave him my number just because he didn't give me the impression he was trying to get at me. So a month or two after we exchanged numbers he decided to become a hoe and call me at 1am (booty call hours). Then when I didn't answer he decides to text me a smiley face umm.....unless he was Trey Songz, trying to contact me with a smiley face at 1am was a major no, no. I never spoke to him again after that bullshit. Now the hoe which we should all know is a Recruiter was trying to get at me again. I reminded him about his failed attempts when not only him but his boys tried me and all he did was just played dumb. Then I told him that me and him won't be going out on any dates and etc and I haven't heard back from him. I hope he that's the last I hear from him but then again he is a recruiter so I probably will have to do something drastic just to be left alone for good.

Love is a tricky thing and until I meet a worthy opponent to play with I'm just gonna sit and watch everyone else deal with their own games.