Why Did I Get Married?

I have been through a lot the past 5 months that nobody would honestly believe if I didn't have the evidence to show as proof. First thing is I met my perfect guy, I say this because besides being able to break my love for the last one, he also had everything I wanted. Sweet personality towards me but an asshole to the world, work ethics of a Jamaican, the looks of a model, the sex drive along with being well-endowed to make me not want another, and most importantly he wanted me and marriage. If you didn't know me for shit you can always say that I am one of those hopeless romantics at heart. I always get hurt at the end cause I am the one that loves so hard and so deep because the relationship means something to me if I actually get involved. So when this perfect stranger comes along and does everything right and has everything I wanted I knew with confidence that this was my Gift from God. All the pain and suffering I endured in tbe past was so it could mold me into the perfect woman for him which allowed him to enter my life. So I did what any sane women would do, marry his ass and get him off the market before another bitch would, lol. On that special day he described it perfectly,"the day two half hearts became whole." I loved being his wife, I felt as though my life was finally complete. I didn't do it because God annoints and bless those who are married, I did it because he would be all I would ever need.....

So now after only 3 months of being married we are facing divorce. He stop being so sweet towards me and became an asshole, he lost those work ethics of a Jamaican and became a lazy bastard, he stop becoming attractive to me because his face changed from that of an angel to the look of an enraged wilderbeast, I avoided sex with him as much as possible and his blessed package became my cursed pain down there after we finished, and last but not least I becams a burden on him that prevented him from having other girls. I couldn't believe I was so stupid to believe that perfect existed. I was mad that I was tricked so horribly by him and didn't understand why he would go as far as marrying me. Marriage isn't a simple little word that you can use lightly. I saw no blessings from this marriage and everything I had attained before this union I was losing right before my very eyes. I went back to thinking about all the "what ifs" what if I never spoke to him at my party where we met? What if I took my time after meeting? What if I never gotten married in the first place?

Right now we are seperated and neither of us is sleeping in the bed we once shared. I haven't seen him in close to 2 weeks and now we only speak in regards to the personal property the other one took. Our friends bash the other, my monster-in-law constantly test my nerves, and we both think or know the other has moved on to a new nigga/bitch. However I still love him, after all the tears, curse words, acts of betrayal, and threats of law enforcement I still love him. I just want to raise the white flag and surrender if it means I can have him back. Maybe he became an asshole after I started being a bitch, maybe he lost his work ethics after I bashed him about not working, maybe I stop being attractive to him after I stop showing all my love faces and only showed a look of boredom, maybe he thought sex would make me the happy person I use to be and he felt that same pain down there because I went from being a rain forest to a desert, and maybe all those girls who he use to laugh at for throwing themselves at him are the ones he wants to talk to because his very own wife won't show him love yet alone act like she likes him period.

I hate that it took everything bad to happen for me to realize how good it use to be. I want my husband back but from past experiences I know once I put a guy through it he's through with it forever. . . .I still wear my ring because in all honesty I'm still married. Me writing down my true feelings and thoughts about my husband is the only time during my seperation that I felt a calm solace about everything. I love him and I will hope for the best and prepare for the worst in the meantime. My pride allows me to withstand the obvious ridicule I'm expected to get for admitting to marrying someone after such short time. I just wish I didnt feel ashamed to admit that maybe his actions were the result of my actions first. Maybe that would have made a difference when it did matter the most.

Just a little bit

I'm gonna get a new phone that way it would be easier for me to communicate. This touch screen shit is for the birds on some real shit. I've been doing a lot lately which I won't be sharing on here until further notice. I still have the potential of having a stalker and the lsat thing I need is him getting mad at me. I just wanted to share that little bit of info to make it known I'm alive.

Too Good To Be Blue

Its about to be a week since me and him last exchanged words and I been so sad about it......not really, lol. I was more upset about the fact that we weren't speaking by his birthday because I had so much stuff planned that I wanted to do to celebrate his day. I guess he really is through with me but I got too much stuff happening that prevents me from pulling my usual "I hate the world" routine. I took care of so much business in a matter of days and I started a new job which I think I might actually love, *knock on wood*. I know once I learn everything this job will be a breeze *knock on wood* and it will actually give me some experience for the career I do plan on getting within the next 2-3 years. Also, I found a great day care to put my baby in that isn't expensive as fuck. Everything is starting to finally work out in my favor and I'm so glad that for once I'm not devastated about a heartache to the point that my life comes to a complete stop. There's no need in crying a river for a nigga especially if he ain't tryin to get wet.

Breaking Point

"Never Make Someone a Priority When They Only Make You An Option"


Its a shame that I can't go into details and fully explain my current situation because of the person who breach my trust by googling this blog. I'm only writing because its 4am and I can't sleep for shit but this is the only way I can clear my head. Today he let me down and I handled it in a way that caused us to have a rift in our relationship. I could have ignored the situation or chose something different to say to prevent it from escalating but I couldn't. He may have every right to defend himself the way he did but after all that I dealt with when it comes to him, I stop caring. Walking on eggshells or ignoring the huge elephant in the room isn't who I am. I either fuss about the mess on the floor I'm tip toeing around or I bitch about the huge pile of shit the damn elephant left behind.

He is the person that I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with. I love everything about him, from his looks and style even to his cold but empathizing heart. To me he is the race that no one believes I can win but the prize is what keeps me from quitting. Trying to be with him has changed me because before I use to let any one I thought was appealing try me, since him I have yet to have someone meet the requirements to even race on my track. I know I can have a successful relationship with a good guy if I were to ever meet one but that's not enough for me. I'll probably be happy but I won't feel victorious and I'll forever feel like I gave up.

When I said the few choice words to him earlier he returned the favor by criticizing me saying I was spoiled, refuse to help myself, self-centered, and disrespectful. I am spoiled and I can be self-centered at times, those are traits that I am fully aware of and is not hurt at all by someone calling me that. Being "disrespectful" and "helpless" did not sit well with me at all since he deliberately said that to try to prove his point that he was not lying to me. I have enough info about his situation to make me say differently and like I said earlier, I stop caring. I never belittle him by emasculating his character and I'm always able to handle my shit and sometimes I have to be the one to help him out of a jam. If I appear to be a damsel in distress to him its only because I choose to. Sometimes that's the only way I can show myself that he does care because if not, he wouldn't be there.

Sometimes I do feel like if I never can get him then I probably won't settle down. Of course I'll have boyfriends and/or love affairs but me willing to give my all to one person and only one person won't happen. How I perceive love has forever been altered by previous guys that's why I don't believe in it. He's just the only one that gave me that glimmer of hope that maybe its not impossible to have someone you truly want. When people that known me for years talk about how they can't comprehend why I changed so much for him I pay them no mind because I haven't changed. I'm still the same girl that won't go back to an ex and I'm still the same chick that will cut a nigga loose once I see he on some bs no matter how much he may bring to the table. Simple solution to my problem is make him an option and stop letting him think that the little bit I choose to let him do for me is substantial. So while I take this water break I'll decide whether or not his race is even worth continuing. The blood, sweat and tears with little to none recognition and appreciation is making me forget why I even started in the first place.

Houston We Have A Problem

My blog is for me, not for others. I say what I say on here to release some of my daily stress because if not I'll just blow up on innocent bystanders. With that being said, if you don't like it kick rocks and don't read this anymore.