Saturday, January 22, 2011
Too Good To Be Blue
Its about to be a week since me and him last exchanged words and I been so sad about it......not really, lol. I was more upset about the fact that we weren't speaking by his birthday because I had so much stuff planned that I wanted to do to celebrate his day. I guess he really is through with me but I got too much stuff happening that prevents me from pulling my usual "I hate the world" routine. I took care of so much business in a matter of days and I started a new job which I think I might actually love, *knock on wood*. I know once I learn everything this job will be a breeze *knock on wood* and it will actually give me some experience for the career I do plan on getting within the next 2-3 years. Also, I found a great day care to put my baby in that isn't expensive as fuck. Everything is starting to finally work out in my favor and I'm so glad that for once I'm not devastated about a heartache to the point that my life comes to a complete stop. There's no need in crying a river for a nigga especially if he ain't tryin to get wet.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Breaking Point
"Never Make Someone a Priority When They Only Make You An Option"
Its a shame that I can't go into details and fully explain my current situation because of the person who breach my trust by googling this blog. I'm only writing because its 4am and I can't sleep for shit but this is the only way I can clear my head. Today he let me down and I handled it in a way that caused us to have a rift in our relationship. I could have ignored the situation or chose something different to say to prevent it from escalating but I couldn't. He may have every right to defend himself the way he did but after all that I dealt with when it comes to him, I stop caring. Walking on eggshells or ignoring the huge elephant in the room isn't who I am. I either fuss about the mess on the floor I'm tip toeing around or I bitch about the huge pile of shit the damn elephant left behind.
He is the person that I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with. I love everything about him, from his looks and style even to his cold but empathizing heart. To me he is the race that no one believes I can win but the prize is what keeps me from quitting. Trying to be with him has changed me because before I use to let any one I thought was appealing try me, since him I have yet to have someone meet the requirements to even race on my track. I know I can have a successful relationship with a good guy if I were to ever meet one but that's not enough for me. I'll probably be happy but I won't feel victorious and I'll forever feel like I gave up.
When I said the few choice words to him earlier he returned the favor by criticizing me saying I was spoiled, refuse to help myself, self-centered, and disrespectful. I am spoiled and I can be self-centered at times, those are traits that I am fully aware of and is not hurt at all by someone calling me that. Being "disrespectful" and "helpless" did not sit well with me at all since he deliberately said that to try to prove his point that he was not lying to me. I have enough info about his situation to make me say differently and like I said earlier, I stop caring. I never belittle him by emasculating his character and I'm always able to handle my shit and sometimes I have to be the one to help him out of a jam. If I appear to be a damsel in distress to him its only because I choose to. Sometimes that's the only way I can show myself that he does care because if not, he wouldn't be there.
Sometimes I do feel like if I never can get him then I probably won't settle down. Of course I'll have boyfriends and/or love affairs but me willing to give my all to one person and only one person won't happen. How I perceive love has forever been altered by previous guys that's why I don't believe in it. He's just the only one that gave me that glimmer of hope that maybe its not impossible to have someone you truly want. When people that known me for years talk about how they can't comprehend why I changed so much for him I pay them no mind because I haven't changed. I'm still the same girl that won't go back to an ex and I'm still the same chick that will cut a nigga loose once I see he on some bs no matter how much he may bring to the table. Simple solution to my problem is make him an option and stop letting him think that the little bit I choose to let him do for me is substantial. So while I take this water break I'll decide whether or not his race is even worth continuing. The blood, sweat and tears with little to none recognition and appreciation is making me forget why I even started in the first place.
Its a shame that I can't go into details and fully explain my current situation because of the person who breach my trust by googling this blog. I'm only writing because its 4am and I can't sleep for shit but this is the only way I can clear my head. Today he let me down and I handled it in a way that caused us to have a rift in our relationship. I could have ignored the situation or chose something different to say to prevent it from escalating but I couldn't. He may have every right to defend himself the way he did but after all that I dealt with when it comes to him, I stop caring. Walking on eggshells or ignoring the huge elephant in the room isn't who I am. I either fuss about the mess on the floor I'm tip toeing around or I bitch about the huge pile of shit the damn elephant left behind.
He is the person that I would be happy to spend the rest of my life with. I love everything about him, from his looks and style even to his cold but empathizing heart. To me he is the race that no one believes I can win but the prize is what keeps me from quitting. Trying to be with him has changed me because before I use to let any one I thought was appealing try me, since him I have yet to have someone meet the requirements to even race on my track. I know I can have a successful relationship with a good guy if I were to ever meet one but that's not enough for me. I'll probably be happy but I won't feel victorious and I'll forever feel like I gave up.
When I said the few choice words to him earlier he returned the favor by criticizing me saying I was spoiled, refuse to help myself, self-centered, and disrespectful. I am spoiled and I can be self-centered at times, those are traits that I am fully aware of and is not hurt at all by someone calling me that. Being "disrespectful" and "helpless" did not sit well with me at all since he deliberately said that to try to prove his point that he was not lying to me. I have enough info about his situation to make me say differently and like I said earlier, I stop caring. I never belittle him by emasculating his character and I'm always able to handle my shit and sometimes I have to be the one to help him out of a jam. If I appear to be a damsel in distress to him its only because I choose to. Sometimes that's the only way I can show myself that he does care because if not, he wouldn't be there.
Sometimes I do feel like if I never can get him then I probably won't settle down. Of course I'll have boyfriends and/or love affairs but me willing to give my all to one person and only one person won't happen. How I perceive love has forever been altered by previous guys that's why I don't believe in it. He's just the only one that gave me that glimmer of hope that maybe its not impossible to have someone you truly want. When people that known me for years talk about how they can't comprehend why I changed so much for him I pay them no mind because I haven't changed. I'm still the same girl that won't go back to an ex and I'm still the same chick that will cut a nigga loose once I see he on some bs no matter how much he may bring to the table. Simple solution to my problem is make him an option and stop letting him think that the little bit I choose to let him do for me is substantial. So while I take this water break I'll decide whether or not his race is even worth continuing. The blood, sweat and tears with little to none recognition and appreciation is making me forget why I even started in the first place.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Houston We Have A Problem
My blog is for me, not for others. I say what I say on here to release some of my daily stress because if not I'll just blow up on innocent bystanders. With that being said, if you don't like it kick rocks and don't read this anymore.
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