Why Did I Get Married?

I have been through a lot the past 5 months that nobody would honestly believe if I didn't have the evidence to show as proof. First thing is I met my perfect guy, I say this because besides being able to break my love for the last one, he also had everything I wanted. Sweet personality towards me but an asshole to the world, work ethics of a Jamaican, the looks of a model, the sex drive along with being well-endowed to make me not want another, and most importantly he wanted me and marriage. If you didn't know me for shit you can always say that I am one of those hopeless romantics at heart. I always get hurt at the end cause I am the one that loves so hard and so deep because the relationship means something to me if I actually get involved. So when this perfect stranger comes along and does everything right and has everything I wanted I knew with confidence that this was my Gift from God. All the pain and suffering I endured in tbe past was so it could mold me into the perfect woman for him which allowed him to enter my life. So I did what any sane women would do, marry his ass and get him off the market before another bitch would, lol. On that special day he described it perfectly,"the day two half hearts became whole." I loved being his wife, I felt as though my life was finally complete. I didn't do it because God annoints and bless those who are married, I did it because he would be all I would ever need.....

So now after only 3 months of being married we are facing divorce. He stop being so sweet towards me and became an asshole, he lost those work ethics of a Jamaican and became a lazy bastard, he stop becoming attractive to me because his face changed from that of an angel to the look of an enraged wilderbeast, I avoided sex with him as much as possible and his blessed package became my cursed pain down there after we finished, and last but not least I becams a burden on him that prevented him from having other girls. I couldn't believe I was so stupid to believe that perfect existed. I was mad that I was tricked so horribly by him and didn't understand why he would go as far as marrying me. Marriage isn't a simple little word that you can use lightly. I saw no blessings from this marriage and everything I had attained before this union I was losing right before my very eyes. I went back to thinking about all the "what ifs" what if I never spoke to him at my party where we met? What if I took my time after meeting? What if I never gotten married in the first place?

Right now we are seperated and neither of us is sleeping in the bed we once shared. I haven't seen him in close to 2 weeks and now we only speak in regards to the personal property the other one took. Our friends bash the other, my monster-in-law constantly test my nerves, and we both think or know the other has moved on to a new nigga/bitch. However I still love him, after all the tears, curse words, acts of betrayal, and threats of law enforcement I still love him. I just want to raise the white flag and surrender if it means I can have him back. Maybe he became an asshole after I started being a bitch, maybe he lost his work ethics after I bashed him about not working, maybe I stop being attractive to him after I stop showing all my love faces and only showed a look of boredom, maybe he thought sex would make me the happy person I use to be and he felt that same pain down there because I went from being a rain forest to a desert, and maybe all those girls who he use to laugh at for throwing themselves at him are the ones he wants to talk to because his very own wife won't show him love yet alone act like she likes him period.

I hate that it took everything bad to happen for me to realize how good it use to be. I want my husband back but from past experiences I know once I put a guy through it he's through with it forever. . . .I still wear my ring because in all honesty I'm still married. Me writing down my true feelings and thoughts about my husband is the only time during my seperation that I felt a calm solace about everything. I love him and I will hope for the best and prepare for the worst in the meantime. My pride allows me to withstand the obvious ridicule I'm expected to get for admitting to marrying someone after such short time. I just wish I didnt feel ashamed to admit that maybe his actions were the result of my actions first. Maybe that would have made a difference when it did matter the most.