"Could it be I been away too long, did I cross your mind when I was gone"? Lol, sorry I love that song and its fitting for this moment. Plus dammit I love Michael, always and forever. That should have been my man cause he not only sexy (1980-1983) but he could move and he was such a sweetheart. If he had a bitch like me back then I honestly think things would have been waaay different for him. Plus, I aint scared of Joseph, lol. Anyway, its been a long time and I'm sorry. I was goin through some things and I was kinda in too good of a mood to write but now that everything has gone to hell I'm back, lol.
I just read "Revelations" and I'm kickin myself for not following through wit the shit I said. The nigga I was referring to in that blog ended up stabbin me in the back and he definately not gonna be the future. Its almost kinda sad because his geeky ass in a sense played me. Wtf!? How does that happen? Well I am a sucka for niggas that cry and he cried a lot. Maybe I did him wrong in some way and this was Karma's way of makin it even cause I ended up cryin for him but I guess he not a softy like me wit the tears. Oh well, next time I stab somebody in the front I make sure not to walk away until they dead, lol.
Also, I am absolutely done wit niggas from the job! I just need to gain a social life and meet niggas outside of the workplace. Do u know how hard it is to not only hate a job but have to deal wit a "break-up" at the job? Omg its the worst thing to do. At least the previous nigga from the job was fired so I didn't have to deal wit the "what if's." After everything ended I felt like I did not want to commit to anyone new. I don't even wanna fuck and that's the shocker to me lol. Every new guy I befriend I honestly have no intentions other than association that can possibly grow into friendship and definately no benefits! However, they try to take it to another level. Try to take me out on a date, try to flirt wit me, and even tried to get wit me. This one guy I use to be cool wit turned into a stalker. Me n him would hang out sometimes, he would talk to me so I wouldn't be so sad about my breakup and that was it. So when him and his girl ended I only wanted to return the favor. Man, he kept askin me all these hypothetical questions about would I take care of him if he was sick and etc. I knew what he was doin so I tried to make myself look like a selfish, cold-hearted person. That didn't work, so I started to talk about all the guys I like and wanna get wit, still didn't work. Then I insulted him and told him that he was too short for me (he really is shorter than me) and that just made him try even harder like it was a challenge. Finally he ask if I was affectionate and I told him the answer which is kinda the truth, I'm not. So he then went on to say,"April I don't think I'm the guy for you. Nah, there's somebody out there for u and its not me. I'm just not that guy." That shit pissed me the fuck off man cause he was acting like I was tryin to get at him. So I stop talkin to him. His as kept callin, textin, leavin me voice messages, and it was non-stop.
I just came to the conclusion that when u don't give a fuck people will care but the moment you care that's when they don't give a fuck. I'm not bout to let anyone stab my back again. Lol, its already crooked.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Revelations
"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think that the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
Mac from Juno
I spent the day being in the midst of being angry and depressed. I was told by someone that my actions from the past was not very becoming of me and that it wasn't very attractive. After my fire died out my depression kicked in and it was so hard for me not to cry while driving home only because I was carpooling. No matter what I still have too much pride to let others see me cry. I was upset because I felt like I couldn't open up and be truthful about myself to others without being criticized. I understand if the actions I did was occuring now but its not, that was from my past. How can you trust someone and vice versa if you can't open up to one another? If it wasn't for the above quote I would have been too busy cryin my eyes out to even see what I'm writing. I'm glad that I did decide to watch that movie on this day because had it been any other day I don't think the words would have meant as much as they do now. My history is a very important aspect of my life, it prevents me from making the same mistakes. IF it wasn't for my past I would be a very different person now. So if my past is too much for someone to handle then I guess they can't handle me in the present and definately won't stick around for my future....
Mac from Juno
I spent the day being in the midst of being angry and depressed. I was told by someone that my actions from the past was not very becoming of me and that it wasn't very attractive. After my fire died out my depression kicked in and it was so hard for me not to cry while driving home only because I was carpooling. No matter what I still have too much pride to let others see me cry. I was upset because I felt like I couldn't open up and be truthful about myself to others without being criticized. I understand if the actions I did was occuring now but its not, that was from my past. How can you trust someone and vice versa if you can't open up to one another? If it wasn't for the above quote I would have been too busy cryin my eyes out to even see what I'm writing. I'm glad that I did decide to watch that movie on this day because had it been any other day I don't think the words would have meant as much as they do now. My history is a very important aspect of my life, it prevents me from making the same mistakes. IF it wasn't for my past I would be a very different person now. So if my past is too much for someone to handle then I guess they can't handle me in the present and definately won't stick around for my future....
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Morris Brown
I don't know how to talk about this school, its hard for me to explain the love I once had for it. Despite all warnings from family and peers I attended the once infamous Morris Brown for a year. In one year I changed from an innocent, shy girl to a foul mouth, Soulja. It was caused mainly from the band, now I still have love for my Marching Wolverines. The year I attended was the year that the school was under investigation by the federal government for misuse of financial aid. My family begged and pleaded with me to leave the school because they will be closed but I had so much hope and faith in the school that I knew everything would work out.
..............................................I was wrong.
The day they lost their accredidation I don't know what I did. So many years have passed since then, its hard to remember but I recall feeling this neverending "I told you so" caused by my family, friends, and the media. Over and over being told that despite all my feelings and prayers to God it didn't go trough, we lost. The worst part about it all was trying to move on. I wore my band shirts with pride to cover the pain I felt all over. All my sweat, tears, aches,bruises, humiliation and etc I put into for that band on behalf of the school was all for............ nothing. Going to Albany StateUniversity just emphasized how cruel some people could be. Instead of welcoming me and my fellow Brownites with open arms we was treated like the unwanted foster children. Only there for their benefit, nothing else. I never got over it and started to hate everything that caused this, especially Morris Brown College. Always thought, "What if I never went there; how would my life be diferent"?
The reason why I'm writing about this is because I am sorta in the same predicament I was in like going to Morris Brown. I dedicated a year with all optimism that everything would work out and that God would answer this prayer with a rainbow promising me that the pain I felt before would never occur again. I can stay and stick it out and wait to see what happens but after investigation I learn the truth about some things and it doesn't look good. I want it to work out but.......I can't take that type of pain again if it doesn't. I was offered this opportunity to move on to something better that is legit, kinda like me going to The University of Florida. I'm guarantee to have a future unless I decide to screw around and get kicked out.
All of my friends tell me to move the fuck on and go there, hell I even tell myself that I'm a fool to stay. Problem is I put my heart into this for a year and I don't want to seem like the love and dedication I had wasn't real and it was just adrenaline mixed with alcohol. I'm not 18 anymore, I'm 24.......I have to make the grown-up decision now and not just go off of feelings, I need to use logic. Everything I want I can get with less struggle and non-stop adoration. I would be treated like the queen I am if I leave. If I stay, I won't get the same treatment and I'll always have to worry about who will be the one to de-throne me, if I can ever attain that title..........
When it comes down to the two schools, The University of Florida has a higher success rate than Morris Brown. But will I ever have as much love for it like I did for MoB?
..............................................I was wrong.
The day they lost their accredidation I don't know what I did. So many years have passed since then, its hard to remember but I recall feeling this neverending "I told you so" caused by my family, friends, and the media. Over and over being told that despite all my feelings and prayers to God it didn't go trough, we lost. The worst part about it all was trying to move on. I wore my band shirts with pride to cover the pain I felt all over. All my sweat, tears, aches,bruises, humiliation and etc I put into for that band on behalf of the school was all for............ nothing. Going to Albany StateUniversity just emphasized how cruel some people could be. Instead of welcoming me and my fellow Brownites with open arms we was treated like the unwanted foster children. Only there for their benefit, nothing else. I never got over it and started to hate everything that caused this, especially Morris Brown College. Always thought, "What if I never went there; how would my life be diferent"?
The reason why I'm writing about this is because I am sorta in the same predicament I was in like going to Morris Brown. I dedicated a year with all optimism that everything would work out and that God would answer this prayer with a rainbow promising me that the pain I felt before would never occur again. I can stay and stick it out and wait to see what happens but after investigation I learn the truth about some things and it doesn't look good. I want it to work out but.......I can't take that type of pain again if it doesn't. I was offered this opportunity to move on to something better that is legit, kinda like me going to The University of Florida. I'm guarantee to have a future unless I decide to screw around and get kicked out.
All of my friends tell me to move the fuck on and go there, hell I even tell myself that I'm a fool to stay. Problem is I put my heart into this for a year and I don't want to seem like the love and dedication I had wasn't real and it was just adrenaline mixed with alcohol. I'm not 18 anymore, I'm 24.......I have to make the grown-up decision now and not just go off of feelings, I need to use logic. Everything I want I can get with less struggle and non-stop adoration. I would be treated like the queen I am if I leave. If I stay, I won't get the same treatment and I'll always have to worry about who will be the one to de-throne me, if I can ever attain that title..........
When it comes down to the two schools, The University of Florida has a higher success rate than Morris Brown. But will I ever have as much love for it like I did for MoB?
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