Play My Radio

I absolutely love Wiz Khalifa and his song "Radio" is so cute to me but of course as the bitch I can be I murdered it by writing my version of it as a response, lol.



Why won't this nigga leave me the fuck alone
He always wants to stay, but I just tell him go
Then wanna get mad at me when I don't give him some
Damn will he shutup so I can play my radiooo

I wanna call my boyfriend but I'm too mad
He never listen to me when I say I'm sad
Now this nigga callin me, I ignored his ass
I hope he don't think he getting any of his shit back
Yeah we use to be tight like some skinny pants
But now I'm thinkin that he nothin but a douche bag
Now he think he slick by textin me "I ain't coming back"
Nigga please we both know you lying cause you love this ass, yeah

I miss the old days when we use to be glad
When I try to tell him he say I'm wrong
So I stop caring and wish he was gone
Plus I heard he told his boys he moved on
But I give in cause his head right
So now I'm going in circles with this square wishing he would get right
I hate the outfits he buys me so I wear it once, never twice
Nigga the thrill been gone, I need a drink or we gonna fight, damn

Why won't this nigga leave me the fuck alone
He always wants to stay but I just tell him go
Then wanna get mad at me when I don't give him some
Damn will he shutup so I can play my radiooo

Always Be My Baby

I love him, what more can I say? Even though he makes things so complicated I'm sure he could say the same thing about me. Me and him are complete opposites but we understand the other one just enough to not throw the dueces but we do flip each other off plenty of times, lol. As unconventional as he may be, his method so far hasn't failed cause he's the only guy that I like that's been around me for over a year. We'll see what happens 2 years from now

Fuck U doing? Bullshittin

As each day goes by I get these friendly little reminders of why I don't talk to many people. I really can't stand liars and I especially can't stand fakeness, I rather have a person be up front rather than be a backstabber. Now like I mentioned in my earlier entry I mentioned that I dabbled in the strange, yet exciting world of green (I'm not gonna actually say the word), and I enjoyed almost all the times I had that feeling. I finally had felt relief and started to be able to openly express myself without a care in the world. My inner slacker finally saw daylight and took over for a good lil minute but due to some events I had to abruptly stop. Now reality is starting to come back and I see the damage that it caused but I also see the bullshit these people trying to bring me.

Me and my sister are falling out once again and I don't even know how or why this happened? Even with us being almost a 1,000 miles away we'll always just fall out for random shit. I asked her about a week ago if I could move in with her until I could get my own place so at the maximum 2 months. At first she said it was cool and scolded me for not listening to her sooner about moving closer. The next day I call her and she says,"well April when ma kicked me out the house and I tried to come back home she wouldn't let me so you can't stay here." I was mad but unsurprised by her actions. What shocked me was when my bro told me all the things she said about me behind my back and how I'm not an independent person because my mom still helps me out. When I spoke to people about this they said it sounded like she's jealous and I thought the same thing. So I called her after that to ask if it was ok if I could at least stay there for a few days for Thanksgiving and she agreed but our conversation quickly went on to the things my brother said. In all honesty, she's right and I am too dependent on my mom for help and I am the one that has a child so I need to be able to handle things on my own. For now, we're still not buddies or showing the fun part of being sisters but I do respect what she says.

My nigga be on some straight up bullshit wit me! I love the man but damn, talkin bout milking the cow til dust comes out he'll be an expert lol. I really need to keep my distance from him cause too much of him can and will be hazardous to my health, not cause he's dangerous, but because I care too much for him. If I could I would give him the world, all the stars, and maybe the moon just as a vacation spot lol. See how crazy (in a good way) he makes me??? Nah but I put him on a pedastel like that because unlike everybody else I knew before surgery this nigga kept his fuckin word and helped me. Then the bad thing about it is me and him weren't even on speaking terms when he did come back in my life. I'll always have love and respect for him because I don't know how things would have turned out for me had he not been there. Now just because I said that don't mean he not on some other shit however. I planned to drive home back in October and asked him if he could come with me so he could help drive, keep my daughter entertained on the road, and also so he could see his homie. At the last minute he cancelled and I wasn't able to find anyone that was available and because its a 12-14 hr trip I didn't bother putting my baby through that torture. Tell me why this nigga flying up there for Thanksgiving? Also when he told me he said he not gonna cancel his plans like I did. What the fuck that suppose to mean??? Now if I had green I could laugh that shit off but since I don't, I guess I'll be fuckin wit him the long way.

My aunt.....the reason why I'm up writing at 3 n da mornin pushed my buttons. I woke up bout an hr ago to use the bathroom and I checked my phone to see she emailed me. The email basically was her responding to my unanswered phone call and voice message that I made almost a week ago. This was also her answering the question I was not able to ask her but before I jump the gun let me explain our relationship. Me n her were cool and she has helped me out from time-to-time and most recently she took my daughter on vacation with her last yr when I was too busy moving to my new place. Me and her fell out a few months later because of my Facebook Status: "Fuck niggas, bitches too, all I got is this money and this will do." She made a comment under that statement saying that she can't believe I said that and she will pray for me. I commented back saying that its a song and Jay-Z said it, not me lol. So I updated my status again saying if anyone has a problem with what I say to please delete me. She took that as a personal threat and blocked me, not delete, but BLOCKED. Ever since then I haven't spoken to her, she sent me an email a few months later wishing me a happy bday but other than that we have not spoken. So when me and my sis fell out I asked my bro if I could stay with him just for Thanksgiving but he only has a one bedroom, he suggested I asked my aunt. So I called her and left her a message asking for her to call me back but she never did. My brother, without my awareness, ask my aunt if its ok if I stay at her place for Thanksgiving. So she emails me and tells me how busy she's been and with such proper ladylike manners says, " Alonzo said you wanted to stay with Claude and I, but unfortunately it will not work. I hope you will find an alternative." Really? She couldn't call me to say that? She couldn't just be so busy she forgot to call me back period but she could have the time to write an email? After reading that I emailed her back and told her I'm not coming and I text my brother tellin him the thought of me moving up there is completely out the window and to not ask anyone in our family to help me.

Who needs green for enlightened inspiration when I got people like my sister to spark my spirit, my nigga to make my spirit burn, and my aunt to fuel that fire? I've been bullshitting too damn long. Now that I hear and see how the closest people treat me its about time for me to do the same towards them. So I will be on my grind real hard, I will be Ms. Independent, I will be shining like a star, and I WILL accomplish this in a timely manner.

Is It Me Or Is Celeb Websites Getting Out Of Hand

I remember growing up and going to the library and participating in book clubs. Even though this was a way for my mom to study for her exams and I always end up crying because she left (yeah I was a crybaby, so what? Lol) I always had so much fun having different stories read to me. I was able to appreciate the creative thought that an imagination can bring and it helped make reading novels a pleasure. Now when I do go to the library I see more and more kids in there to use the computer just to read the latest gossip about celebrities. When did living vicaruously through celebrities become the norm? Now if the websites were reporting the celebrity did some type of charitable act then I'm all for it but talking about the latest jumpoff to get pregnant is not breaking news! What happened to cause this fascination of this disillusioned lifestyle?

Nigga Please! (You Not Getting The Ass)

I had a friend that use to always be there for me if I seriously needed help but lately he been acting like a hater. I felt compelled to write something about him and his shady actions towards me but in the process I realized that he not the only guy I know that been "sideline hating." Which caused me to think about some of the other guys I encountered since I started to play the tricky Game of Love. I remember a time when I was optimistic and carefree about this game and of course I lost almost every time. So now I decided to sit back and figure out how others are successful and figure out what I'm doing wrong. So during my time of reflection I ran into a few people that showed me how easy it is to win the game. First thing I have to do is stay away from these hoes: The Hater, The Scuba Diver, The Superstar, and The Recruiter.

The Hater- This the nigga that try to be with you until you make a point that it ain't gonna happen. Then when he does move on to another chick he starts the hating. Like I mentioned earlier I have a friend that started to act a lil salty towards me recently. Now I will say I never strung him along and I never gave him the impression that me and him would have ever been talking because he wasn't my type. Even after he ask about me and him possibly dating I told him that I see him only as a friend and he said he respected what I said and that was that, we were still friends. A few months ago on Facebook I noticed that there were times that he would leave a comment to a status and I couldn't tell whether or not he was kidding or seriously trying to criticize me. Finally after a few mean comments I looked on his page and saw that he was in a relationship. That's when I came to the conclusion that he changed cause he think cause he got a girl that he can say and do whateva he want. Even as I write this I still hold back what I could and should say about him but I won't do him like he did me out of memory of our former friendship. However this is the last time I'll bite my tongue when it comes to him. Next time he say something out of line Old April will come back with a vengeance.

The Scuba Diver- Aight let me add a little disclaimer for this one because I don't want any females to get mad at me cause their boo read this and misinterpret what I was saying, lol. **MEN, BOYS, AND ALL THIS APPLIES TOWARDS PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT ALL OR MOST FEMALES THINK OR FEEL THE WAY THAT I DO ABOUT HEAD, ITS JUST ME** Ok now that I said that time for my announcement: I DO NOT LIKE HEAD!!!! I know this is the day and age where head is more socially acceptable and I'm not knocking anybody that has a fetish for giving head. If I have a bf that wants to do that to me I'll always try to stop him though but if he insists then I'll let him do what he wants......I just try to enjoy it but I never really do. Now if the person trying to go down on me is not a bf and we're not even on real talking terms then I really fight to make him not do that to me. If he still insists on doing that then he is automatically a Scuba Diver. This is the guy that will go down even in uncharted waters in hopes of getting some pussy. That's so gross seeing a guy try to go down because in my mind I think,"OMG how many other girls has he done that to."

The Superstar- This is the guy that has a million and one friends and most or all of them happen to be females. He's popular because he has some type of talent that can attract the masses. Problem is they can't keep their talent to themselves and have to share it with the world, literally. In my opinion condoms are created for these people because like any well known celebrity, bitches are on their dick 24/7. They have a girlfriend but it still doesn't stop them from spending time with their fans so they won't lose their popularity. A couple people come in mind when I think about "Superstar" but there's no need in going into further details, they get enough recognition anyway.

The Recruiter-If you ever tried to look up info about joining the Army then you might get hit up by the Navy, Marines, Air Force, National Guard, or Coast Guard also. The Recruiter is the guy that will try to get you to be on his team but if you don't join then he'll try to get you to join another team. Just because you might not be interested in him doesn't mean that you won't like his friend. A few years ago this guy tried to talk to me and I had no interest in him whatsoever, he just wasn't my type, but I still replied to his texts. Besides him not being my type he gave me the feeling that he was a hoe trying to get some from me. So one day I decided to do some investigating because he was trying too hard and I was getting annoyed by the constant texts from somebody of no significance. I look on his Myspace and it said "In a Relationship" so when he text me again I said, "I don't think your girlfriend would like that." He never text me again after that lol. So 2 years later I see a dude that happens to be really cute and I tried to get some info on him and I found out that he was cool with the hoe. I should have known better but like I said earlier, I was optimistic. So the hoe introduce me to the cute guy and me and him exchange numbers. After a few texts I realize that the cute guy was a whore and I told him not to contact me again. Now a few months after that the hoe tried to introduce me to someone else. This time the dude he introduced me to was not cute and not my type so I just said, "hi." and walked away. The ugly dude kept going out of his way to talk to me, tell me about himself and etc. He later asked for my number and me being polite I gave him my number just because he didn't give me the impression he was trying to get at me. So a month or two after we exchanged numbers he decided to become a hoe and call me at 1am (booty call hours). Then when I didn't answer he decides to text me a smiley face umm.....unless he was Trey Songz, trying to contact me with a smiley face at 1am was a major no, no. I never spoke to him again after that bullshit. Now the hoe which we should all know is a Recruiter was trying to get at me again. I reminded him about his failed attempts when not only him but his boys tried me and all he did was just played dumb. Then I told him that me and him won't be going out on any dates and etc and I haven't heard back from him. I hope he that's the last I hear from him but then again he is a recruiter so I probably will have to do something drastic just to be left alone for good.

Love is a tricky thing and until I meet a worthy opponent to play with I'm just gonna sit and watch everyone else deal with their own games.

So Busy That I Do Nothing

Today I watched Justin Timberlake's "My Love" video for the first time ever. That song came out back in 2006 and four years later I finally get to see part of the reason why it was so popular. The dance moves, T.I.'s guest appearance, and of course the metrosexual look that Justin established so effortlessly, lol. When that video did come out I was busy working my two jobs, traveling from Morrow to Alpharetta by taking the bus/train, and was juggling two guys at once. I was a very busy girl back in the days of my early twenties. Now here I am working a full-time job, a single-mom, and no man yet I'm still just as busy as I was back then. What am I doing wrong or why is it that I'm just now realizing something isn't right?

First thing that takes up most of my time would have to be my job. I hate that most of my time is actually occupied by something I hate so much. I wish that I could spend more time with my daughter because she is like the coolest kid I know....yeah I'm bias but I don't care cause she's my baaaaaaaby, lol! My job is so full of shit that I wouldn't be mad if they did fire me, unemployment doesn't sound bad at all in comparison. I'll never be able to move to a better position unless I kiss the right ass and do it in the right way. Also, that job has caused me so much stress that I can't relax, it takes a few shots of Ciroc or some type of alcoholic beverage to ease my nerves. I even have nightmares about that place, so not even in my slumber can I get a decent night's rest. I could go on and on and on about how horrible that place is but I proved my point.

Now my daughter does take up what remaining free time I have but there are no complaints about that. I just have a complaint about being a single-mommy because not having help around the house and having to do everything for not only me but also for another person can be difficult. On my two off days I try to chill but those are the days that I attempt to cook and clean (notice how I say "attempt") and that's also the days I meet up wit my trainer to workout and handle any business that needs to be taken care of. So I never have a chance to really sit back and relax. All I want to do is work an easy job that pays a decent salary, have more time with my baby, and get my ass back in school. Is that too much to ask for??? I guess so cause I been busy like this for four going on five years now and I still have not accomplished anything major like a degree, a career, or even a man.

I just miss that slacker lifestyle I use to have. Waking up whenever I want to, doing whatever I want to, being able to leave/travel whenever I wanted to. I can't do shit anymore period!!! Its really fucked up if you can't shit or piss without feeling rushed but that's my life. The only reason why I'm even able to sit here and write is because I cancelled two appointments. I'm in serious need of a major change because I refuse to live my life like this and miss out on precious moments with my child. Until then I guess you can call me Ms. Busybody cause I'm always doing something....

Its My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To

Today is my 26th Birthday....no calls from fam, no calls at midnight from close friends, hell I don't even think I got any texts wishing me a Happy Bday. I know the one text that I happen to see came from one of my new homegirls, Oleta, saying that Rudy is still coming to my party and he's on his way. That's a shocker to me because I cancelled my party and sent out the cancellation texts early enough for me to not feel any guilt, at least unless I look and see there are more overly-concerned texts and voice mails that may have come from my friends that I invited.

Now the last few Birthdays I had really have been horrible. 23: I was pregnant and living in a shelter.....not much to celebrate if you share your meals with crackheads, prostitutes, and women who look like they been beaten with a shovel. 24: I got stood up by my date who happen to be someone that I seriously was crushing on, so I spent the entire day crying in front of my 9 month old who thought it was a game cause she kept smiling and laughing. 25: I was 1 month post-op so physically I was in horrible pain that I can't explain unless I popped an oxy pill or two and then I was in "La La Land" of which I was so out of it I really was a different person. So That April had a great meal at Olive Garden with her close friends, received some flowers from a dude who was overseas, and spent some time with my best friend before she left for Korea. Needless to say, I wanted my 26th Birthday to be a little different.

Now I was inspired to have a little party with some friends after I saw how Oleta's Party for her boyfriend turned out. so I wanted to do the same but instead of everybody going to a restaurant and having a bill and not being able to drink a lot due to driving or monetary issues I figured I throw it at a house. I asked my cousin if I could use his house and he explain that this weekend was MSU Allumni Picnic so his house is already being used for that. I then ask my sister if I could use her house and I just knew she was gonna say its ok. Her house is damn near abandoned, its been years since anyone other than me has step foot in there, nothing of value is in there, and I was gonna hire a maid to clean up all the spiderwebs and turn the lights and water on. So when I called and asked her the first thing I heard is, "Are you nuts"?! Then she went on to ask me what possessed me to even ask her that and why would I even want to throw a birthday party? I just simply hung-up on her because all that she said was uncalled for. I started to make plans as far as trying to have the party at my apt but I wasn't sure about that because I stay on the white side of town and I don't know how my neighbors would have felt about that. While all of this is going on my friends started to post stuff about my "houseparty" and people were sendin me messages about that and I was still unsure if it was possible so I had to update my facebook status saying that my houseparty was cancelled.....as embarrassing that was I had to do it because word-of-mouth seems to be faster than me. Now my homeboy who works for a hotel suggested that I get a suite at his place so I could still have my get together, I figured that was the best solution.

So Saturday finally comes and I start sending my texts to everybody I wanted to come. One of my friends cancelled because I didn't specify whether or not I was having the party and she made other arrangements so that was ok, "just one person", I thought. I was getting texts from all of my guy friends confirming they were still coming and asking the usual like, "directions, parking, and dress code." I wasn't hearing too much from the girls though especially my close friend Mell. Oleta text me but she didn't make it clear whether or not her homegirl was coming so it started to look like a bunch of niggas and 2 girls were gonna be there which isn't cool. I invited my co-worker/friend but I started to feel uncomfortable asking her to come because since the first girl cancelled I didn't want her to feel out-of-place especially since there were gonna be more guys than girls. I don't know why but the scene from Players Club popped in my mind (of course nothing like that was gonna happen) and that was far from what my party was gonna be. So after 3 hrs of waiting I started to cancel the entire get together. I sent my personalized texts to my friends who were coming with a quick explanation as to why it was cancelled. Then Mell finally texts me and says she has bad cramps and won't be attending. I'm not saying that was a bullshit ass excuse but.....it wasn't the best either. Midol exist for moments like this, yes I too have experienced the pain of a cramp or two but I also know my life isn't on stand still because of it. I didn't even text her telling her that it was cancelled, I just read it and continued to text everyone else. People started to call and ask me what was I doing instead but I didn't answer or reply, by this point I just wanted to sleep.

So now here I am, The Birthday Girl, writing a little blog about how my celebration of my birth seems to just be another day. I made plans to go on a date with someone I cared about but now I'm on the verge of cancelling that too. I don't have thoughts of my 24th bday repeating but I lost my optimism about today. I feel like I'm a little kid and I was just told by my mom and dad that Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, and The Tooth Fairy aren't real and they decided to get a divorce (no that did not really happen to me btw). Maybe I was putting way too much emphasis on today but all I wanted to do was have some fun, share some laughs with some friends, and drink to celebrate. I doubt I'll ever attempt to plan anything again, including my wedding. Seems like planning an event causes nothing but stress and realization on how close your connections with your friends really are.

This Sux...

Sorry, I need a comp like asap because my blackberry just not doing it like it use to, lol. Well so much has happened since I last wrote. I had the back surgery and now I'm a different person...mentally and physically. I don't know if I'm happy with the new me because it honestly seems like I'm in a constant battle of wills. Even as I write this its hard for me to think of the words to say because part of me wants to say one thing and the other part wants to say something completely different. I can say that right now my heart is a little bruised because me and the newest entry to my "He Ain't Shit" List fell out yesterday.....*sigh*

As far as the physical changes from surgery I'm a little taller, clothes fit better, and with the exception of my rib that is permanently poking out nobody can tell I had scoliosis. I can't move like I use to but I compensate by using my legs more and etc. Mentally....I've changed period. I know my fam and friends and even those who use to read all my shit can tell there's something off about me, they just don't say anything. I can't even explain it myself, I'm praying that its something like post traumatic stress because at least then I tell myself I'll be normal in due time.

After my surgery I was in the hospital for a week and I only had help from one person and that was my baby daddy. He was there for about a week and of course me and him got into a stupid argument and I let my pride take over and I told him to leave me alone. So that was a dumb mistake because I had nobody else to care for me with the exception of Josh. So with that being said I spent a lot of time alone, in pain, and went through so many emotional roller coasters: happy to sad to anger and paranoia and etc. Then I woke up one morning and realized that I wasn't thinking clearly like I use to and that I couldn't remember everything like I once did. I can remember stuff but I use to be able to remember the emotions which helped me remember the entire event.

I'm more optimistic and I always look for the silver lining when something bad happens. I go out more and I'm more social compared to how I was prior to surgery, so that's good I guess. I still have problems when it comes to guys however. Since me and Josh became cool I been able to get his perspective on drama that I go through with guys. Lol, I kinda wish I told him about the new guy before the fallout because maybe me and him would still be whateva we was. I absolutely adored the new dude because he was sexy, had the cool/spontaneous personality, and had style to him. Plus he was like a complete sweetheart and asshole all-in-one, lol.

Only good thing about my supposed post traumatic stress is I won't feel the heartache too much longer...